Behavior Change

When change feels impossible, ask yourself these questions

Tim

— 3 min read

It is normal to have mixed feelings about making changes. In fact, the bigger the change you're contemplating, the more ambivalent you'll probably feel about it.

One way of dealing with that is to break the change down into smaller steps that you can tackle one by one.

Another is to understand what exactly it is about change that triggers feelings of ambivalence and resistance, and to ask yourself if – and how – these factors apply to your situation.

Change is a threat

You might be resisting change because subconsciously, it makes you feel like your autonomy, self-determination, or sense of safety and security is in danger.

To find out if that's the case, ask yourself:

  • Was this change my idea?
  • And is it a change that I actually want to make, or am I being pushed into it by some external factor?
  • Out of all the potential consequences that making this change could have, are there any that I fear?
  • And is that fear grounded in reality?

Change is a disruptor

Every minute of every day, your brain works very hard to keep you in homeostasis.

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Homeostasis refers to your body's ability to maintain a stable internal environment despite external changes. This involves various physiological processes that work together to keep key factors like body temperature, blood sugar, and fluid balance within specific, optimal ranges. In essence, homeostasis helps the body function effectively and survive by regulating internal conditions.

That's its job, and evolution has taught it well. And if you're alive right now, that means whatever you've been doing must be safe enough for you to survive. (Mission accomplished, as far as your brain is concerned.)

So if you present your brain with a change that could disrupt the status quo – pull you out of homeostasis – it's only natural that it'll give you some pushback.

Which might sound something like this:

  • The way things are going right now kind of sucks, but at least it's familiar.
  • I might feel better after making this change... Or I might not. And are things really that bad right now?
  • Why stir things up?

Ask yourself if you're regularly having thoughts like these.

If the answer is yes, that's your brain trying to come up with a bunch of different ways to say, let's not change anything ever, so that you can continue surviving!

... and a magnifying glass

Changes usually don't happen in isolation. They tend to have knock-on effects on other parts of your life. And that means they'll sometimes shine a light on things you'd rather ignore, or even make you confront them head-on. The thought of that alone can become a powerful force against change.

To understand if that is what's keeping you from making a specific change, ask yourself:

  • Will this change affect my current routine and habits? And how does that make me feel?
  • Will this change affect other people? Do I feel ready to talk to them about that, and potentially ask for their support?

Change is a challenger

It calls into question your current identity and/or beliefs that you might have had for a long time.

And it might require that you build new skills, or at least try things you've never done before.

To your brain – whose main job and interest it is to keep you safe – these things can seem like dumb ideas. And it will probably try to communicate that to you by generating thoughts like these:

  • I am someone who likes to party! And my friends like that about me. What will they think if I start cutting back on alcohol?
  • Working out is for people who have nothing better to do. I'm a busy parent/professional/<fill-in-the-blank>! I just don't have the time to fit it into my schedule.
  • I would love to start exercising regularly, but I don't know where to start. There's so much information out there, it feels really overwhelming.
  • I've tried to lose weight many times before, and it never worked. Why would it be different this time?

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